Every couple experiences conflict. Whether it is about finances, parenting, household responsibilities, intimacy, or communication, disagreement is a normal part of being in a relationship.
Maybe it is the conversation about household chores that somehow turns into a fight about feeling unappreciated. Or the discussion about spending that quickly becomes an argument about trust. Many couples find themselves having the same conflict on repeat, even when the topic changes.
This is something commonly explored in Gottman couples therapy London. Often, the issue is not the conflict itself. The challenge is that partners become stuck in recurring patterns where neither person feels heard, understood, or resolved. Over time, these repeated interactions can create distance, resentment, and emotional disconnection.
Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman identified four communication patterns that often contribute to this cycle:
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
He called them the Four Horsemen.
Understanding the Four Horsemen
1. Criticism
Criticism is different from expressing a complaint.
A complaint focuses on a behaviour:
- “I felt hurt when you forgot to call.”
Criticism attacks the person:
- “You never think about anyone but yourself.”
When criticism becomes frequent, partners often feel judged, blamed, or inadequate.
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a natural response when we feel criticized or blamed.
It often sounds like:
- Making excuses
- Denying responsibility
- Turning the issue back onto the other person
While defensiveness may feel protective, it usually prevents meaningful resolution. Both partners leave the conversation feeling unheard.
3. Contempt
Contempt is often considered the most damaging of the Four Horsemen.
It may show up as:
- Sarcasm
- Eye-rolling
- Mocking
- Name-calling
- Condescending comments
Research has linked contempt with lower relationship satisfaction. When respect begins to erode, connection often follows.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally shuts down or withdraws.
This may look like:
- Silence
- Avoiding eye contact
- Leaving the room
- Refusing to engage
Many people assume stonewalling means someone does not care. Often, the opposite is true. The person has become emotionally overwhelmed and no longer knows how to continue the conversation productively.
Gottman Couples Therapy London and Conflict Repair
The good news is that healthy relationships are not built on avoiding conflict.
They are built on conflict repair.
Repair attempts are the actions we take to reconnect when a conversation begins to go off track.
A repair attempt might sound like:
- “I can see why you’re upset.”
- “You’re right. I could have handled that better.”
- “Let’s start over.”
- “I don’t want to fight. I want to understand.”
These small moments of empathy and accountability can prevent disagreements from turning into damaging conflicts.
The Good News
If you recognize some of these patterns in your own relationship, you are not alone. Most couples experience criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling at some point.
These behaviours do not mean a relationship is doomed. They simply signal that something needs attention. The first step is awareness. The second is learning how to repair.
Relationships are not strengthened by avoiding conflict. They are strengthened by learning how to reconnect after conflict occurs. Support is available through in-person or virtual counselling in London, Oakville, Hamilton, and across Ontario.
References
Gottman Institute. (n.d.). The Four Horsemen: Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Gottman Institute. (n.d.). The Four Horsemen: The antidotes. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
Murphy, L. (2013). Adult attachment, attributions, the Four Horsemen, and relationship satisfaction in dating relationships (Master’s thesis, Purdue University).
