Emotional avoidance: most of us have tried it. We experience an uncomfortable feeling inside and push it aside, hoping it will disappear. We try to do anything we can to make it go away: we distract ourselves, try to keep busy, or tell ourselves that it’s really not that big of a deal, but is it truly beneficial to do so?
Now and then, it is normal to avoid a certain place, situation, thing or person that makes us feel uncomfortable. However, when this interferes with our daily functioning, it can create an issue. This emotional avoidance creates short-term relief, but over time, we can start to notice that this feeling has not gone away, and if anything, it has come back stronger. Why is that?
Emotional Avoidance: What Is It?
Emotional avoidance is anything we do to try to make our uncomfortable internal experience disappear. We want to escape or numb the feelings, such as grief, sadness, shame, anger, anxiety, or anything we wish we didn’t have to feel. We all do it at some point. It’s important to note that emotional avoidance is not a failure, but a coping mechanism that comes with being human. Our nervous systems are wired to want to move from discomfort to safety. If you have grown up thinking that emotions are overwhelming, unsafe, or uncomfortable, it may have been the only coping strategy available to you.
The issue with emotional avoidance is that it works well in the short term, but can become problematic in the long term. Emotional avoidance can sometimes be obvious, such as avoiding a conversation or situation, but it can also be subtler, like overworking or intellectualizing feelings rather than actually feeling them.
Experiential avoidance is a close relative of emotional avoidance. It is a term often seen in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). As emotional avoidance focuses primarily on the avoidance of emotions, experiential avoidance has a broader focus that encompasses the avoidance of uncomfortable internal experiences, including emotions, thoughts, memories, behaviors, and physical sensations.
Why Avoiding Feelings Makes Them Stronger
Research shows that when we try to push thoughts or emotions away, the mind often brings them back even more forcefully. A classic example of such suppression is the “Pink Elephant” theory. Take a moment to imagine a pink elephant. Is it big or small? Is it wearing clothes, perhaps a hat or sunglasses? Is it standing on its hind legs or four legs? Now, if you try to think of anything else and actively forget this elephant. For many of us, the task itself requires a great deal of effort and keeps the elephant in the forefront of our minds.
Additionally, when we avoid our emotions, we are teaching our brains that what we are experiencing is, indeed, dangerous and should be avoided. Over time, we can start to rely on avoidance, and what could have been manageable now feels overwhelming.
The Negative Impacts of Emotional Avoidance
Although emotional avoidance feels comfortable at first, there are long-term effects of constantly avoiding our emotions:
- Increased anxiety, stress, and/or depressive symptoms;
- Disconnection from our needs, desires, and wants;
- Difficulty in recognizing our core values;
- Relational conflicts and missed opportunities for closeness and connection with others;
- Misdirected anger and emotional outbursts after prolonged periods of suppression.
Many people won’t notice the symptoms of emotional avoidance at first, until the negative impacts start to add up. When we constantly push aside how we feel, our inner experience is neglected.
Final Thoughts
It makes sense that we want to avoid emotions; it protects us from pain, and has most likely served an important purpose as a child. A key takeaway is that emotions don’t disappear when suppressed; they linger. The good news is that we can make space for gentle welcome emotions in our lives and have a more meaningful relationship with ourselves and others.
At Vital Minds Psychotherapy, we offer tailored services in-person, online and telephone consultations to determine how we can best support you and your needs. Feel free to book a FREE virtual or telephone consultation with one of our licensed therapists. We look forward to connecting with you in the format that best suits your needs.
